A helpful guide on how to approach chronic illness and relationships

Relationships are exciting and challenging all at once. Couple that with living with a chronic illness and it can add unique layers to a relationship. Learning how to approach the conversations around chronic illness health when it comes to sharing with a partner can be daunting.

When do you share, how much do you share, and will it change how they feel about you are common questions that can swirl in your head. I’ve been there myself with relationships and advocating and addressing what I need for my health. It’s not always easy, simple, or fun to have those conversations but with the right person, you might find you’re a stronger couple for it.

Living with a chronic illness

The first step to navigating chronic illness and relationships is navigating your own relationship with your health. Your own relationship with your health is not likely linear. This is a complicated experience that can be full of highs and lows from diagnosis, treatments, acceptance, denial, and frustrations.

Before approaching the topic of chronic illness and relationships with another loved one, it’s important to think about what living with a chronic illness means to you. How do you define your chronic illness, where are you at with your chronic illness right now, and do you have tools and resources to help you? These questions I recognize might be tough to answer, but sitting down so you know where you stand with things before sharing with others can be helpful and help you communicate more clearly with a partner.

Plan ahead

Take some time by yourself, to plan out what you’d like to share about your chronic disease, health condition, or invisible illness. Everyone’s health is individual and unique to how they like others to know about it. Taking time to sit down and reflect on what you want to share will help you feel more comfortable and confident speaking with your loved one than figuring it out in the moment.

You can make a list of points you want to share, write out exactly what you want to say, or brainstorm ways to approach the conversation. Below are some things you may want to consider when planning ahead.

• Diagnosis – how long you’ve lived with this? your diagnosis story?
• Medication – is there anything they need to know? do you need their help with administering your treatment? do you want to share your treatment/medication plans?
• Flares – do you want them to know the signs or symptoms of a flare? How can they help in a flare? Do you need them to do anything when in a flare? How do you best receive support in a flare?
• Triggers – do you have triggers you want to share with them?
• Mental Health – do you need support? How can they support you? Do you want to share any impacts on your mental health with your condition?

Approaching the conversation of chronic illness and relationships

Okay, so you’ve sat down and thought about what you want to share and how much. Great! Now the next step is to approach the conversation with your loved one. Now you want to make time together where you two can sit down and chat about your health.

How to approach this conversation depends on how well they know you and how far into the relationship you are. For newer couples, you may want to have several conversations instead of one so they can take time to digest if they’re unaware of your chronic illnesses. For those who are in relationships where the loved one is aware of your health but isn’t aware of it in great detail you might be able to approach it more casually if they’re already aware.

Either way, take your time and think about who you’re sharing with and how they’d likely best like to receive this information. If they’re new to learning about your diagnosis then be gentle and patient as they come to terms with the potential of loving someone with chronic illness.

Here are some suggestions on how to approach the topic of chronic illness and romantic relationships:

• “I’d like to share with you a bit more about my health, would it be okay if we arranged a time to sit and discuss this more?”
• “I want to share with you more about my chronic illness, is this something we can chat about?”
• “I know we’re newer in our relationship but I want to be open and honest with you about my health as we progress in our relationship.”
• “I know you’re aware of my health condition, but I’d like to share more with you if that’s okay?”
• “I think it would be helpful and positive for our relationships if we chatted about my chronic conditions, when can we sit down and chat?”.

Being open and honest about your health care

Now that you’ve arranged a time to speak with them more about your health, this is the time when you can share with them. Now, I can’t script this conversation for you, sorry! But, I can suggest going at your own pace and as I mentioned above sharing what you feel comfortable sharing. This can be an emotional conversation, so speaking to your support system around you in case you need emotional support post this conversation is a great idea!

Building a life together is exciting, and being in a relationship with someone can mean that you’re thinking and considering that person to be with you in your life for a considerable amount of time. So this is a great time (especially if you feel serious about the relationship) to be real and honest. Share what it means when you’re getting sick, having a flare, what having a healthy day means to you and when you need to seek medical advice or medical care for your health.

The more information you can give them (if you feel comfortable) the more they can understand and work with you to hopefully help you navigate this in your relationship.

Supporting your partner

This conversation can be a lot, for anyone! You’ve had time to prepare and get ready, and maybe they haven’t. Maybe this is brand new information or something they’ve never considered with dating.

Be mindful that they might be needing some to process, digest or ask questions. The purpose of this conversation is to move forward as a couple so this might be a good time to remind them of all the great happy relationship memories you have and give some ideas of what you’re looking forward to doing with them. If you’re looking for some date ideas or anniversary ideas check out my anniversary date ideas blog here.

Be patient and talk things through with them. If they have questions take time to sit down and answer what you feel comfortable sharing.

If the conversation doesn’t go as hoped

It may not go as you had hoped, or what is brought up in your discussion worries you then I would encourage you to take time and reflect on if this a person you want to be in a relationship with, and if so how you want to work to make it work (and do you both want to put in the effort to make it work).

All outcomes are possible and remember that going into the conversation can be helpful. It can be scary, but hopefully, with the right person, you’ll feel supported and cared for continuing in your relationship.

As mentioned above have emotional supports or family that you can lean on if you need to for these moments. They can also be helpful as you navigate how the conversation made you feel and what you’d like to do for moving forward.

Summary

It’s important to approach this conversation when you feel ready to share with your partner. There is no perfect road map of when and how to approach this, try your best to be clear and understanding when speaking to your partner and create a space where they feel safe to discuss it and ask questions if needed. Reach out to support or loved ones if you need help or support before or after the conversation.